A trauma
"Not a word to anyone about this, you hear me?" He hissed out the words and his voice was both threatening and full of anxiety. She was still paralyzed of fear and not capable to answer. "You hear me?" He shouted out loud this time. She nodded. At the same time she heard someone at the door, first some knockings and soon how somebody was tearing the handle. "Rose, are you there? Roooose, open the door!" It was her brother, finally but unfortunately too late. The door-lock to her girl-room was broken since many years but her comitter had taken a chair and pulled it up against the handle to lock the door. The same second he raised from her the door came into the room with a crash.
Their parents were out of town this week-end. Joe was seventeen and old enough to stay at home alone together with his girlfriend. Rose was only fourteen and supposed to stay at her friend´s house the second evening because her brother had invited some friends over. This first evening was supposed to be a cozy movie-evening, just the three of them, some movies and a lot of candy. Suddenly the door-bell rang. Some of Joe´s friends came into the house and was laughing about the misunderstanding. Was it tomorrow? Couldn´t they come in and join anyway? It was raining outside and of course hard for Joe to tell his friends to leave despite the promises. What could possible go wrong anyway?
They finished the first movie, watched one more and then started to play poker instead. Alonso had some beers in a bag and everybody could tell that these wasn´t his first beers that evening. Joe told his sister to watch the last movie in her room instead. Rose was disappointed. Their parents called and got wooried about the situation. Rose calmed them and explained how she intended to go to bed early anyway, and how everything was fine. Their parents knew the guys and Sara, Joes girlfriend, was there as well. The parents said it was ok, they didn´t know about the bag with beers, and it was rainig outside.
Her brother knew Alonso well enough to be suspicious when he left the table that evening and headed to the kitchen. Alonso was a nice guy normally, but this evening after drinking to many beers he had been unpolite and strange. They were still sitting in the livig-room playing poker when he took off and not to the toilet this time. Joe decided not to rush after him immediately but it wasn´t long before Joe went after to the kitchen. Alonso wasn´t there but the door out to the laundry-room was open and Joe thought he might have left the house that way. Then he suddenly heard something from his sister´s room. He knocked and called out for Rose but nobody answered. He started to tear the handle and when he realized that the door was locked and his sister didn´t answer, he kicked the door just as hard as he could. The door fell into Roses pink girl-room and he saw something none of them never will forget. Silence went to chaos and world was dark once more.
torsdag 1 juli 2010
Prenumerera på:
Kommentarer till inlägget (Atom)
A wellwritten story. I like how we only get a hint to what is really happening (or has happened). I can't really find anything wrong about it. The middle section slowed down the tempo, but I'm not sure that's a bad thing.
SvaraRaderaAnna S
An additional comment: I wonder if the title should be "Trauma", not "A trauma". Just think about it and see what you think.
SvaraRaderaI think this story touched me, because I've been thinking about it for a day now!
Anna S
Nicely done! I especially like the way you set up the scenario with the first paragraph, to then explain what led up to it.
SvaraRaderaAlso not exactly stating what happened makes the story quite a bit creepier because then our imaginations fill in the blanks.
/Andreas Bråth
I like the mood you set in the story, It is very intence since you know something is going to happen but not when, with this open ending where there are only clues to what happened I spin my mind to find the kind fo horror to match the last sentence. I like it when I can fill so much of the room with my own mind. Very nicely done!
SvaraRaderaDen här kommentaren har tagits bort av skribenten.
SvaraRaderaPromising work, Anna! I especially like the dramatic structure of your story and the atmosphere you set right from the start. The first time I read your story I remember thinking you were unnecessarily detailed about the conditions under which the fourteen-year-old girl was allowed to stay at home (as if we wouldn’t find the situation realistic otherwise) and couldn’t really see how the phone call from her parents contributed to the story, but after reading it a second time I realised these elements actually give rise to a number of interesting questions about the true nature of the mixed-up dates and the real reason behind her parents’ worry.
SvaraRaderaTip:
- Pay closer attention to your spelling and word choice. For instance, committer is a word in English, but in this context I suppose you mean perpetrator. Also, using an English-language spell checker will help you spot typos such as “woory” and “rainig”.